Dear reader, has this ever happened to u? Wishing badly for something and not getting it? Or getting a handicapped version of what u wished for? Feeling deprived? here’s a page from my diary from one of those days i felt so….
From the bottom-most cardiomyocyte of my heart or deepest grey cell of my brain or the strongest thought of my mind, whichever is appropriate, I hate the words that people throw at our faces – “Man proposes, God disposes”.
Seriously! How can anyone say those and how can anyone buy those? I mean, if we have to accept that line, it doesn’t just hurt but it also means that the God is a sadist! Now, no theist should do it and no atheist can do it. but ironically, these words make sense many a number of times! Either God really does so or may be we say it to rationalize the happenings of fate to feel better. but then again, isnt fate god’s own plan? Wait, may be we are theologically atheists… technically those who believe the existence of someone called God but don’t believe that he does everything for the highest good and that he showers causeless mercy with this omnipotence etc.. but i never thought so!
well, coming to the point, why does God deprive us of what we wish for? I know that every single person who is reading this and every single person who is not reading this might have been there and felt the same way sometime or the other during some phase of life or may be even always.. I know I’m not alone and no one is, but that doesn’t give me any consolation what-so-ever!
Oh, another scary statement.. “God is preparing ypu for bigger things!” Now this is even more scary! Seriously? Bigger? How is it supposed to console us?
The question keeps poking my head! why?! And it scares the hell out of me. Because, if it’s really God having fun, where else will I go? I keep telling myself that there is a good reason, a good cause for all this but honestly, I don’t know! and it just hurts.
I generally shake things off or sleep things off or shrug things off. But then, when things completely go out of control, I become all whiny like I’m exactly right now. May be because some voice inside me keeps telling me that I deserve better.. May be I know for sure that I really do. May be the voice belongs to an objective person inside me who just sounds so confident. Who keeps screaming “This can’t be happening, this isn’t fair”..
Anyways, I just hope that there will come a day when I stop wishing and just take things that come the way they come with a stupid and dishonest smile. May be it’s time to kill the objective bastard who has been shouting that this is all not fair. But that kills a part of me too right..?! The part that is confident about me, the part that wishes, the part that dreams and the part that picturises the best for me, the part that cares.
If it’s God… oh dear god! I’m sorry but it’s just sad. And I give u the task of killing the part of me. I can’t do it by myself because it is this part that brings me to you. it is this part that prays for anything and thanks you for everything. it is this part of me, that is innocently beautiful and hopefully confident and believingly theological. Now its in your hands.. waiting to be murdered by the mercifully merciless hands of yours…
in response to daily prompt, deprive